Rashad Marecki: joke:A ConfessionA priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full o! f apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech. ‘I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, 'said the politician.' In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.' riddle:General Gasslefield, accused of high treason, is sentenced to death by the court-martial. He is allowed to make a final statement, after which he will be shot if the statement is false or will be hung if the statement is true. Gasslefield makes his final statement and is released. The Riddle: What could he have said? The Answer: General Gasslefield said: “I will be shot.†If this statement was true, he would have been hung and thus not be shot. But then his statement would be false, which implies that he should be shot, making the statement true again, etc… In other words: the verdict of the court-martial could not be executed and the general was released....Show more
Launa Weingarten: i don't be att! entive to that...yet i will enable you be attentive to this on! e...! Elton and Ricky Martin have a stay overall performance in Miami South coastline...! each and all of the flowery motels are finished and that they'd desire to stay in a low-priced hotel. around hour of darkness, Ricky referred to as the attendance all disillusioned and instructed him: " might you deliver somebody to my room to exterminate those gay roaches...? There are gay roaches in each and every single place..! The attendance spoke back very shocked: No subject Ricky..."i will deliver somebody to spray and kill those gay roaches good away...yet tell me...How the hell you may tell while roaches are gay...?" Ricky spoke back, "they are all popping out of the closet..."...Show more
Jestine Osumi: Q: A frog got stuck to a man's head. so the frog and the man became friends. one day the man decided to go on a hike. in the middle of their hike they came across a silkworm in their way. he said, "I dont like you frog so i am going to eat you!" so the man said, "dont e! at my friend!" and started to fight. somehow the worm was able to eat both of the man and frog. how did he do this?*SPOILER*A: The worm was attached to a bull, and the bull was hiding underground so the man and frog could only see the worm. the bull came up from underground and attacked the man and chewed them up into bite size pieces and fed them to the worm for 10 years....Show more
Leontine Kreitz: since shes grandma this is a great one for her"HOW A OLD LADY GETS OUT OF A SPEEDING TICKET"Old lady was driving and gets pulled over....officer gets out and walks up to her window:"Whats the problem officer?" the old lady asks..."you were speeding ma'am""oh" says the old lady"may i see your license?"officer says"no left it at the bar drinkin drivin" says the old ladyofficer puzzled says "registration""cant" old lady responds" i stole the car the own is in black plastic bags in the trunk"officer says "Wait here ma'am"officer calls for backup within 5 minutes 5 polcie ca! rs surrounds the old ladys car...sherrif gets out and walks up to the o! ld woman and asks for license and registration..old lady hands it to him...he opens the trunk and theres... nothing.sherriff says : Ma'am one of my officers told me you didnt have your license and registration and you stole the car and murdered the owner..."old lady says "I bet you that Lieing Bastard told you I was speeding too"lmao xDenjoy...Show more
Luana Carothers: How did the pig get on the roof?the SWINE flu..
Brittney Inabnit: i like some of these.. they aren't all riddles and jokes but most of them are funnyWhen I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. ""Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.""Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.""A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ""W! hat do you mean, my birth certificate expired? ""I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.""After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. 'No hablo ingles.'""Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. ""I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. ""Whatever it is -- I didn't do it! ""Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. "Next section:"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ""When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave the world wondering how the hell you did it. ""Remember the past, plan for the future, but live for today, because yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come. ""A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single ""The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. step." "I can't pr! omise to solve all your problems, but I can promise you won't have to f! ace them alone... ""Never regret something that made you smile ""The mightiest of weapons is truth. And everyone knows you’re not permitted to enter a Government building with a weapon. ""Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk." "True strength is keeping everything together when everyone expects you to fall apart. ""You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.""Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend."" One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. "...Show more
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